Leadership Lesson: Look for the Comeback

	I've spent my entire career studying and teaching the discipline of leadership. If there's anything I've learned it's that leadership is like fashion. It has different styles, looks and feel and operational methods.  Leadership is as unique as the leader exerting or exuding the leadership.   Regardless of the leader: man or women; or style: autocratic, or manage by objectives or consensus, there are established laws or rules of leadership used by leaders to shape and manage the actions of followers.
I’ve worked with hundreds of leaders and have planned, facilitated and executed change in a wide variety of operating environments complementing and aligning with a wide variety of leadership styles.  Through this work I’ve developed my own first rule of leadership:   First Rule of Leadership: You Can’t Work with NO

The subtext to this rule is that you can’t ask for a raise from “no”, you can’t negotiate with “no”, you can’t partner with “no”, and you can’t team up and collaborate with “no”. It sounds simple enough.  No is no, right?  In our world of professional correctness, non-stop communication and ever subtle nuances and innuendos, no is not always easy to recognize and there are a THOUSAND versions of no you might hear on any given day.

Let me give you some examples.  You want to speak to your boss or a leader in your organization and you get his or her secretary.  In three recent exchanges, the secretary says: 1) she’s at an executive off-site and not scheduling appointments, 2) she’s working on completing an important deliverable for a current initiative, and 3) she’s only taking appointments on Fridays – and all Fridays until August are booked. This leader, rather her secretary, has said “no” three times.  The rub is not that your leader has other things on her plate or even that her focus is not on you or your issues of late. The rub is that you did not get a straight answer. You got a no that sounded more like “try again”; which by the way you did twice.  After three “try-again” ‘s the real message is “no”.

 Not giving a definitive “no” to people making requests of your time, energy and effort is un-leader like. It makes the requester feel belittled, patronized, dismissed or otherwise “less than” the leader.  Authentic leadership rings of honesty, integrity, accessibility, openness and respect.  It empowers, and supports and builds up.  It does not shut down or shut out people or problems.  A better answer from the leader would be a “Thank You for your request Sharon” .  “Please detail in writing what you’d like to discuss and allow me the chance to respond to your request within a week”.  In this example, some positive affirmation is provided to the requester in an effective leader-request response.  

 

In my next example, you are trying negotiate a pay raise or a role advance (from Director to Senior Director for example) or both with your boss. You are feeling that your work load does not match your salary or compensation. The former is so overwhelmingly out-of-balance with the later, in your opinion, that you’d like to discuss a reset in your professional obligations or duties (reduced) or an increase in your compensation or advancement in your role (or both).  You are interested in right-setting the gap between the value you believe you provide to your boss and your organization and the reward you receive for providing that value.  Things feel “off”  to you and you want to discuss your thoughts and feelings with your boss.  Your first request for a discussion was met with a firm “We have a salary freeze in effect right now” and a denial to discuss in further detail.  Six months ago you tried again and got the lecture on the company’s poor year-end results. You changed your tactic this third time and asked your boss to discuss the scope of your responsibilities and how you feel it is more challenging to meet the objectives set before  you.  This last meeting request was left unanswered.  The response you got was the silent “no” we so often get that makes us feel uncertain, ignored and unwanted. A silent “no” leaves us with hollow feelings of isolation and abandonment. It doesn’t feel good.

 Now it may be true that there’s been a hiring freeze – and that the company at large is underperforming.  You may just have to muscle through tough times along with your boss.  Yet leadership dialogs should be candid, direct and full of authenticity and respect. If you are feeling dismissed, ignored or otherwise undervalued, then my advice to you is to learn that these soft “no” ‘s are in fact, hard “no” ‘s and you should learn to take them as such. Make a note to yourself that:

“We are in a hiring freeze” – means NO.

“We’ve had a tough year” – means NO.
A silent non-answer – means NO.
“My calendar is booked” – means NO.
“I or the Company has another focus at the moment” – means NO.

 List all the ways that a seeming “maybe” is really a NO and check them into your memory and your soul. Learning how to recognize and accept a NO even when the sender of the “no” is less than direct about the message, is a core leadership skill.  

 There are a lot of psychological reasons people have difficulty saying “no”. One is that it doesn’t feel good for the NO deliverer and he or she has trouble having difficult conversations. One of the true tests of leadership, in my opinion, is the ability to have difficult conversations with dignity and grace. This stuff is not easy. It takes courage and caring to tell someone that it’s just not happening for them.  You have to really care about someone to tell them the unvarnished truth.

 Another reason people feel uncomfortable saying “no” might be that they are just uncomfortable with telling you the truth. This to me is more worrisome. It means that either they don’t feel you should know the truth or that they simply don’t want to tell you the truth. Either reason spells a less than healthy working relationship for you and your boss (or whomever).  It may even indicate that you are working in a less than healthy operating environment.

 
Understand me. We are all human and as humans we are less than perfect.  Sometimes we are really FAR from perfect. There are definitely more unhealthy working relationships and operating environments than there are healthy ones.  Every operating environment has a degree of darkness – and unspoken truths.  You are here to shed as much light on your own world and work as you can. Your authentic leadership is activated when you shine your light on any aspect of darkness in your environment. You are charged with holding up your end of the universe.  People are depending on you to be the leader in your sphere of influence.

Look for the Comeback One strategy to help you develop the core skill of recognizing “no” is to look for a comeback – or some sign of “yes.”  If you’re asking for a raise and you get any kind of “give” in the conversation or the posture of your boss, then there’s a path to a positive outcome.  A positive comeback might sound something like “OK Sharon – I hear that you are frustrated with the work/reward balance of your current position – Why don’t we find some time to talk about it?”.

If you’re trying to schedule time with someone who is completely booked over the next month – an apology and/or recognition for your many attempts at connecting with him or her is a comeback and a signal of some degree of “yes”.  In this example, he/she can offer to meet in some alternative way – such as extending an offer for you to attend one of his/her other meetings with a chance to spend a few minutes chatting afterward. This is a sign of a comeback – a “give” in the relationship. It’s not a hard “no”.

 In looking for any small signs of “yes” you are recognizing true signs of leadership. Leaders always, ALWAYS recognize, acknowledge, and respond to requests for time, energy and support.  They must be able to deal with and connect with people, every time, and in every kind of encounter with dignity and grace. Leaders affirm, acknowledge, support and encourage.

 If you think of yourself as a continuous transmitter of information, effort and ideas at work – then look for the positive response to your signal(s) and focus your energy there.  Look for the comebacks. These are the people, the places and the opportunities worth your efforts.  It takes a full connection to make contact and to work with people. You can’t work with NO.